Overload

I don't really know if I'll even publish this one. Goodness. I'm a bit of a wreck. Big changes usually do this to me. I don't even know where to start, because my brain is on a cyclical thought pattern that keeps repeating. Do you ever have that happen? It's so distracting and frustrating.

We're moving. And it's a good thing. There's nothing wrong with where we are, it's just time to be closer to family, friends, our people. We miss them so much. I'm so excited to be moving. It's going to feel so good to be around the familiar, to have the comfort of community. To maybe have a date-night that doesn't involve squeezing in conversation in-between sets while the kids are in childcare at the gym! I'm so grateful that we have the flexibility to move and that things have worked out well. All the good feelings. So many good feelings....

And so many other ones too. The big kids (mainly Jace, but the girls too) have asked us if they could try going to public school when we move. We said yes. Yes! Go to school, be brave, dive into new situations with courage and curiosity. Make friends. Learn lots. And tell me all about it....

But in my head, I think...stay little. Stay with me. In my arms. In my sight. Within my reach. Stay where I can make sure you're safe. Your hearts, your minds, your bodies, your spirits. Stay close.

Will their teachers love them? I mean, sure, I hope they'll learn. But really? I hope they'll be valued, seen, loved.

A wreck, I tell you. I'm a mess here.

Will someone be rude to Jace because of Tourette's? Will Aubrie's teacher know that she's a hands-on learner and needs to see something done before it clicks? And my sweet, sweet Bear. All feelings and wanting to please, help, add value. She wears her huge heart on her sleeve. I already ache for the first time it's bruised.

And then I transition to: NO. We do not make decisions based on fear. We don't do that. Having them home was what we needed. What we all needed for a season. And now, we're approaching a new season. Homeschool is not a crutch to aid my anxiety. Our kids, I think they're pretty awesome. I know there will be hurdles for them to jump over, and complicated situations that they'll need our help navigating.

I also know that we're raising them to love Jesus. To love people. And I think their beautiful lights are going to be a blessing to people they meet. There is a lot I wish I could shield them from- everything from bug bites to bullies. But I'd be robbing them. I would be the thief that steals their chance to build character, deep friendships, to learn compassion, and what it feels like to wrestle with the challenge it is to do life with people just as broken as we are. (and Pandora starts playing my favorite hymn at this very second and I lose it...one sec...)

Big changes rattle me. I know we're moving in the right direction. The new, the unknown, what-ifs, they take me over. This is where 2 Cor 10:5 rings out, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." And I tell myself, my God isn't a God of anxiety, and worry, and apprehension. He didn't give me a spirit of fear.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5)

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2Thes 2:16-17

And I will speak scripture over my babies, 2 Col 2:6-8 has been the verse I prayed over my family since September 28, 2009.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ"

I felt really weird getting this out via typing, but I'm so glad I did. Often times, I tend to run short in the grace department when it comes to turning it inward. I tend to reach for the external validation of my husband, or my best friend before I'll validate my own feelings and work through them. I'm working on that. 

This helps. I'm sure I still have a few more late nights ahead of me, a few more glasses of wine, a few more reminders to myself that being in this space is ok for a bit. It's ok to mourn. Keep walking. One step and then another, because every time a big change happens, it works out that the destination is beautiful.