I don't really know if I'll even publish this one. Goodness. I'm a bit of a wreck. Big changes usually do this to me. I don't even know where to start, because my brain is on a cyclical thought pattern that keeps repeating. Do you ever have that happen? It's so distracting and frustrating.
We're moving. And it's a good thing. There's nothing wrong with where we are, it's just time to be closer to family, friends, our people. We miss them so much. I'm so excited to be moving. It's going to feel so good to be around the familiar, to have the comfort of community. To maybe have a date-night that doesn't involve squeezing in conversation in-between sets while the kids are in childcare at the gym! I'm so grateful that we have the flexibility to move and that things have worked out well. All the good feelings. So many good feelings....
And so many other ones too. The big kids (mainly Jace, but the girls too) have asked us if they could try going to public school when we move. We said yes. Yes! Go to school, be brave, dive into new situations with courage and curiosity. Make friends. Learn lots. And tell me all about it....
But in my head, I think...stay little. Stay with me. In my arms. In my sight. Within my reach. Stay where I can make sure you're safe. Your hearts, your minds, your bodies, your spirits. Stay close.
Will their teachers love them? I mean, sure, I hope they'll learn. But really? I hope they'll be valued, seen, loved.
A wreck, I tell you. I'm a mess here.
Will someone be rude to Jace because of Tourette's? Will Aubrie's teacher know that she's a hands-on learner and needs to see something done before it clicks? And my sweet, sweet Bear. All feelings and wanting to please, help, add value. She wears her huge heart on her sleeve. I already ache for the first time it's bruised.
And then I transition to: NO. We do not make decisions based on fear. We don't do that. Having them home was what we needed. What we all needed for a season. And now, we're approaching a new season. Homeschool is not a crutch to aid my anxiety. Our kids, I think they're pretty awesome. I know there will be hurdles for them to jump over, and complicated situations that they'll need our help navigating.
I also know that we're raising them to love Jesus. To love people. And I think their beautiful lights are going to be a blessing to people they meet. There is a lot I wish I could shield them from- everything from bug bites to bullies. But I'd be robbing them. I would be the thief that steals their chance to build character, deep friendships, to learn compassion, and what it feels like to wrestle with the challenge it is to do life with people just as broken as we are. (and Pandora starts playing my favorite hymn at this very second and I lose it...one sec...)
Big changes rattle me. I know we're moving in the right direction. The new, the unknown, what-ifs, they take me over. This is where 2 Cor 10:5 rings out, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." And I tell myself, my God isn't a God of anxiety, and worry, and apprehension. He didn't give me a spirit of fear.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5)
"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2Thes 2:16-17
And I will speak scripture over my babies, 2 Col 2:6-8 has been the verse I prayed over my family since September 28, 2009.
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ"
I felt really weird getting this out via typing, but I'm so glad I did. Often times, I tend to run short in the grace department when it comes to turning it inward. I tend to reach for the external validation of my husband, or my best friend before I'll validate my own feelings and work through them. I'm working on that.
This helps. I'm sure I still have a few more late nights ahead of me, a few more glasses of wine, a few more reminders to myself that being in this space is ok for a bit. It's ok to mourn. Keep walking. One step and then another, because every time a big change happens, it works out that the destination is beautiful.
Mountains of New Mexico
Monday, October 5, 2015
At the end of July, Mike, our 4 littles, and I drove down to Santa Fe, NM to meet up with our family for a camping trip. The kiddos were champs on the road, as usual and we made it there easily. Driving through the mountains is one of my favorite things to do. I look forward to every twist and turn. The Rockies look different than the mountains we drove through in Santa Fe, but both are stunning.
Mike's parents took him and his sister, Steph, camping when they were kiddos, so Mike knew the area. I've only been to Santa Fe once, a few years ago to ski, so it was a whole new world to me. Our nephew, Jordan, drove up with his mama and Nana and Grandad a day before we could make it. He was so excited to show his cousins all the things he'd been discovering.
The cousins loved looking in this old trunk. There were chipmunks living beneath the roots. The kids would leave pieces of apple or trailmix out to see if they could entice those little guys to come out. At some point during the trip, a chipmunk was brave enough to scurry very near my sister-in-law's chair- with her in it.
Grandad brought some fishing poles and a tackle box from Texas. I love fishing and haven't had the opportunity to cast out a line in years, so I was so happy to grab a pole and head down to the pond. There were fish jumping all over the place, but they were pretty good at just grabbing bait off our hooks and swimming away. Aubrie seemed to have the most patience with it. She was adorable casting out her line and then waiting for a tug while reading her book.
Aubrie would pick out a spot and settle in comfortably, sometimes looking at the beautiful green mountains surrounding us, sometimes watching the fish jump, and other times, she'd pick up her book.
Levi really liked the idea of throwing something out into the water but, understandably, his attention span, and enthusiasm weren't the best fit for fishing at this point. Mostly he ran around the pond finding rocks to throw in, or a little stream to splash in. He is pretty attentive when his Grandad is talking to him, and Mike and I loved watching Grandad show Levi how to fish.
How wonderful are those roots? The views were breathtaking. This gorgeous pond had a little trail around it that the kids pounded even flatter chasing each other.
They would jump into the tall grass on the outside of the trail and wait for Levi to come near and, BOO! Makes me smile just thinking about their squeals of laughter!
Look at those cousins! Does it get better? The still water, the gorgeous clouds rolling in, the tall trees, the stream just out of view.
Here is the view from our campsite towards the road. You can see our restroom facilities on the left. I was expecting far more primitive conditions. This little building was a huge and welcome surprise! Haha! One of my funniest memories from the trip happened here. I'd forgotten completely the very cold blast of air that greets you as you sit down. I yelped, "WHOA!" and immediately heard my father-in-law burst out laughing. Mike and his mom were around the corner and joined in as well. Oh. My. Gosh. I'm cracking up just thinking about it!
There are many great memories of this trip floating around my head. Hiking with Mike, Steph, and the kids. Laughing as the altitude got the best of us. Driving into Santa Fe for more pants (mama didn't pack enough!), and to find a laundromat to dry the rain-soaked Tula. The really, really great camp food that Grandad cooked for us. Laughing until tears were rolling down almost all of our faces. I don't even remember what about. The whole thing- it was worth every minor annoyance.
We really had a special time. Without the distractions we usually have around, we got the chance to take time and just BE with each other. I'm so grateful for the memories we made together in those beautiful mountains.
Mike's parents took him and his sister, Steph, camping when they were kiddos, so Mike knew the area. I've only been to Santa Fe once, a few years ago to ski, so it was a whole new world to me. Our nephew, Jordan, drove up with his mama and Nana and Grandad a day before we could make it. He was so excited to show his cousins all the things he'd been discovering.
The cousins loved looking in this old trunk. There were chipmunks living beneath the roots. The kids would leave pieces of apple or trailmix out to see if they could entice those little guys to come out. At some point during the trip, a chipmunk was brave enough to scurry very near my sister-in-law's chair- with her in it.
Grandad brought some fishing poles and a tackle box from Texas. I love fishing and haven't had the opportunity to cast out a line in years, so I was so happy to grab a pole and head down to the pond. There were fish jumping all over the place, but they were pretty good at just grabbing bait off our hooks and swimming away. Aubrie seemed to have the most patience with it. She was adorable casting out her line and then waiting for a tug while reading her book.
Aubrie would pick out a spot and settle in comfortably, sometimes looking at the beautiful green mountains surrounding us, sometimes watching the fish jump, and other times, she'd pick up her book.
How wonderful are those roots? The views were breathtaking. This gorgeous pond had a little trail around it that the kids pounded even flatter chasing each other.
They would jump into the tall grass on the outside of the trail and wait for Levi to come near and, BOO! Makes me smile just thinking about their squeals of laughter!
Look at those cousins! Does it get better? The still water, the gorgeous clouds rolling in, the tall trees, the stream just out of view.
Our Little Tank had so much fun once he warmed up to being in such a new place. Getting used to all the new sounds, noises, and creatures took some time for him. I was so glad when he started playing a little more independently because I knew he'd love exploring. Haha! He got a little carried away at one point and I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of him in timeout. That face just melts me!
Later on he helped the big kids on their worm hunt. We ran into a fishing guide that was very helpful. He recommended we use worms and try a couple of different spots. His advice was on point! The pictures I took of Jace catching a few are still on my phone. I can't wait to get them up here. There's a great little story to go along with them.
There are many great memories of this trip floating around my head. Hiking with Mike, Steph, and the kids. Laughing as the altitude got the best of us. Driving into Santa Fe for more pants (mama didn't pack enough!), and to find a laundromat to dry the rain-soaked Tula. The really, really great camp food that Grandad cooked for us. Laughing until tears were rolling down almost all of our faces. I don't even remember what about. The whole thing- it was worth every minor annoyance.
We really had a special time. Without the distractions we usually have around, we got the chance to take time and just BE with each other. I'm so grateful for the memories we made together in those beautiful mountains.
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