Backwards Thinking

I began my new role as a father with a very general idea of the type of father I wanted to be- loving, strong, caring, just, etc. General. Unspecific. The ideals that came to my mind were ones that I’d always thought of as traditional manly qualities.  Provider, protector, strong and honorable.  How was I supposed to simply start acting out those qualities? Just like that.  As an 18-year-old soon to be father, I guess I had all these characteristics I wanted to personify but no idea how to live them out. I knew I wanted to be the person that my kids desired to turn to and to be the rock my wife stood upon. I needed a plan. A course of action I could follow.

I’d seen men.  I’d seen men falter, and I’d seen men do good.  I had some examples of how to be ‘manly’, of course.  My father is a good man.  He provided for his family.  He tried to instill good qualities in me, and if I may say so myself, I think he did all right in that respect, too.  My childhood was ultimately a charmed affair.  I had three square meals a day, lived in a house without any problems, played soccer and baseball and any other sport I wanted.  The biggest advantage I had was that I had two parents that loved me throughout my entire life. 

I would say that the most important lesson I learned from my parents was that to be loved, I simply needed to be there.  Being perfect is not necessary.  It’s a lesson that has carried me through difficulties and one that I am going to make sure my kids learn.

 As I struggled to navigate this new road ahead of me, I thought about how too many kids today do not have a father around, and that was unacceptable to me. That was not a legacy I would leave for my child.  I loved Amanda and I didn’t know how everything was going to fit together. I was decided, however, that we would make it work.   

One of the least proud moments in my marriage happened after a particularly hard day.  I came home after work having been to school and work stocking shelves (8 hours that day), and I was exhausted.  I got home and Jace was still awake at 11:30 or so.  I was just done.  There was no way he should have been up that late, he was just a baby.  So I got ticked off at Amanda, and I let her know it.  The phrase that came out of my mouth at one point was, “I don’t want to come home from work just to work some more.  I want to be able to come home and relax.” I didn’t even stop to think that if Jace was still up then she must have had a hard day too. She looked at me and I didn’t see that the way she looked closely mirrored my own haggard state of mind. She said, “Sorry for ya, buddy, but you’re a father 24-7. You don’t get an off day from this.” Yeah…I’ll take a tall, cold glass of reality served up blunt. Thanks.

Looking back now, it’s amazing to me that I could actually utter those two short sentences.  No matter how tired I am, that never even crosses my mind now.  I miss my kids when I’m at work.  I want to be home with them through the day even though I can’t at this point in time.  It was a sign of my immaturity that I could think it; it was a sign of my conceit that the words passed my lips.  I knew she was as tired as I was, and if anything she just had different pressures than I did, if not more.  How I could imagine that she would…what? Give me pity or pat me on the back?  Sit me down in the recliner and hand me a beer? I don’t know.  What I did know, though, was that something had to change.  Big time. 

I started reading books on what it meant to be a man, books on leadership, marriage, and the role of a father- really anything that I thought might equip me. From Wild at Heart to The Five Love Languages and everything in between, I read.  I read how to be a leader at work and at home, and then I read some more. I learned that what I needed to work on first was myself.  I quickly found out that I could not get my strength or leadership from my wife.  I could not get it from some outside source.  It had to come from somewhere inside of me. 

Someone who is not strong cannot give strength to others, and I knew that would be a requirement at some point. Easy to read up on… in practice, however, it’s much more…nuanced.  How does it look for me and my family?  It’s messy, I’ll start out with that.  I’ve never been very good at it.  I’ve been blessed with a wife that encourages me to lead. She has told me, repeatedly, that she wants—no, needs—me to be the leader of our household. Through many truth-filled conversations and trial and error, we have found a balance (it will be forever evolving) that works for our home.

The only way to lead that seems right to me is by being a servant.  I’ve learned over time that my love is demonstrated to both my wife and my children through serving them.  Not only that, I feel love for them more when I serve them.  I have to consistently make that choice (because I have found myself to be selfish), which is definitely tough for me to do.  When I make that choice- to be a servant- I feel connected and vital and loved.  It’s amazing how that works!  It’s completely against what I thought when I got into this whole deal.  I serve them, and I feel better.  I serve them, and I feel loved.  I serve them, and I lead. 

Isn’t that backwards?